If you keep up with my blog, you know I haven’t posted a new article in several months. I posted a few times on social media, but for the most part I took a break from that too. The main reason for my absence was because I was getting married!
It’s been a whirlwind of a year and with all the excitement and traveling and planning, I was exhausted. Wedding planning is no joke. I like to say, “if I could do it over, I wouldn’t.” Planning a wedding takes a lot of time, commitment, and organization. Basically, it takes all of the executive functioning that people like me lack. On top of this, I was greatly struggling with my physical and mental health. I felt like I was carrying a mountain while trying to catch all the pieces of rock that kept falling off.
I felt like I was carrying a mountain while trying to catch all the pieces of rock that kept falling off.
When you’re carrying such heavy burdens, even the smallest amounts of inconveniences feel fatal. Ironically, we had several additional inconveniences – though I hate to call them that. It seems like everyone got married in 2021. I expect this may have been because of postponements from 2020. We were invited to many weddings, which, of course since both my and my husband’s families and hometown friends are out of state, meant that we had a lot of travel to do – and we couldn’t leave behind our dog so he came with us on our road trips too. About halfway through our wedding planning adventure, both my sibling and one of my husband’s siblings got engaged and told us they want to get married ASAP. We love our siblings and their significant others, so of course we were beyond happy for them. But all these sudden occurrences made it feel like an asteroid hit the mountain I was carrying on my back.
I have suffered from mental health issues my entire life and I know that will never completely go away. Every day, I have to overcome intense anxiety and depression, and battle against feelings of inferiority, rejection, and unworthiness. Over the years, I’ve become more in tune with my emotions and better at controlling them. I have also become increasingly better at managing and responding to stress. I greatly pride myself on that. But you can never know how much progress you’ve made until you’ve been tested. (That mountain and asteroid must have been a test from the heavens; it’s the only explanation.) I tried my best to keep my cool and to not let emotional reasoning take over logic. I was determined to not feel any kind of negative emotion, especially in public. (Behind closed doors though, I may have lost my sh*t once or twice. I also may or may not have laughed hysterically and manically.)
You can never know how much progress you’ve made until you’ve been tested.
I tried my best to just breathe and take things one step at a time. I did what I had to do for my wedding planning, tried my best to do what I could for our siblings’ weddings, and focused on staying present and enjoying the weddings we were invited to. I kept seeing my doctors for my physical health issues, worked on my nutrition and diet, exercised, and did what I could to help manage my symptoms. I also saw a therapist and an executive functioning coach once a week each – I would not have been able to plan my wedding without them! All this was crammed outside of working hours since both my husband and I work full time. We also had to prioritize taking care of our dog, maintaining a clean enough home, and other basics of day to day living.
When you’re this stressed out, every little thing becomes a huge boulder on your path that you have to move out of the way. Everyday we had to:
- Wake up on time,
- Take out the dog and feed him breakfast
- Figure out and eat our breakfast,
- Make coffee,
- Wash face and brush teeth,
- Go to work,
- Actually concentrate enough at work to be productive,
- Figure out and eat lunch,
- Remember to drink enough water,
- Somehow maintain enough energy to exercise,
- Respond to emails and texts,
- Walk, feed, and play with our dog,
- Figure out and eat dinner,
- Meet with wedding vendors,
- Make decisions on the millions of tiny details,
- Take a shower, and
- go to bed on time.
When you’re this stressed out, every little thing becomes a huge boulder on your path that you have to move out of the way.
Lather, rinse, repeat. And each of these tasks can be broken down into dozens more smaller tasks. For instance, in order to eat dinner every day, we had to:
- Come up with recipes for dinner,
- Make a grocery list,
- Go to the grocery store,
- Find all the ingredients,
- Buy the groceries,
- Come back home,
- Put the groceries away,
- Pull open the recipe,
- Wash and prep the veggies,
- Cook dinner,
- Sit down and eat,
- Put away the leftovers, and
- Wash the dishes.
I couldn’t handle living every day like this. The simple act of living became almost too exhausting to bear. So what happened? My mind refused to concentrate. I physically could not get myself to take care of the simplest of chores let alone plan my wedding. I stopped caring about my health, didn’t eat well, didn’t exercise, didn’t drink enough water, did the bare minimum to maintain my hygiene. This of course caused my issues to worsen.
The simple act of living became almost too exhausting to bear.
Instead of trying to work through the emotions that the stress was causing and tackling my ever-growing to-do list, I numbed those emotions and ignored my to-do list entirely by watching as much TV as possible. By binge-watching Korean dramas on Netflix, I was able to increase my dopamine levels, get a false sense of socialization, and mentally teleport myself out of my reality, leaving behind the stress and responsibilities. It’s no wonder that I easily became addicted.
Luckily, I had help from my husband, my family, and my physical and mental healthcare providers. I slowly became better at taking care of myself again and was able to get things done for the wedding. The trick to accomplishing something stressful is to shake off the need for perfection and to focus on doing only the most critical tasks one at a time. With much effort, my husband and I made it to our wedding day. We were as stressed as you could possibly be leading up to it, but we tried our best to focus our attention on each other and the love we were celebrating as we entered the next chapter of our lives.
The trick to accomplishing something stressful is to shake off the need for perfection and to focus on doing only the most critical tasks one at a time.
Despite the numerous mental meltdowns I had the day before the wedding, I woke up on my wedding day with absolutely no stress at all. The day was here and if anything went wrong, oh well, it’s too late to do anything about it, so I just let that sh*t go. Our wedding was wonderful and everyone, including us, had a great time. There were a few hiccups and things that didn’t go according to plan, but I try my best to forget about those things and remember only the good.
Our wedding was a success. And after going through all this stress together and seeking help for our shared responsibilities and our relationship, we have grown far stronger. We went through the fire, but we emerged as strong, bonded, and bulletproof as metal.
We went through the fire, but we emerged as strong, bonded, and bulletproof as metal.
I wish I could say that we were able to relax after the wedding, but that unfortunately wasn’t the case. We had a minimoon at the beach, but there were still several post-wedding tasks that needed completing. I also opted to change my last name and had to navigate that process. There were also a few more weddings after ours, then suddenly it was the holidays. But now that the new year is here, we have been able to relax and enjoy married life.
After two years, I have finally overcome my weight issues. Since gaining weight, most of my health problems have improved. I have established a regular sleep schedule and for the most part feel back at the steering wheel of my life. I am able to make room for the things I enjoy while keeping up with my responsibilities. Living doesn’t seem so exhausting anymore. Although I know there will be days when it feels exhausting, I feel much more prepared and confident in my ability to see them through.
Living doesn’t seem so exhausting anymore. Although I know there will be days when it feels exhausting, I feel much more prepared and confident in my ability to see them through.
I wish you all the joy and strength to see through the stressful times and to enjoy every moment of life. Namaste.
