I am a strong believer in the healing power of therapy. Since beginning therapy, I have made significant improvements in understanding my emotions and overcoming struggles. However, one topic that is difficult to bring up and seemingly impossible to move past is the memories I share with a narcissist. An adult who played a role in my life during childhood (we’ll call them Taylor) has been identified by several of my former therapists as a narcissist. Although Taylor and I live in separate states, we still keep in touch now and then. Normally, I don’t think about Taylor very much nor the memories associated with them. I’ve recently been stressing over this person though because they will be attending my wedding this Fall. When I finally spoke with my therapist about them, it unleashed all the childhood memories I had long buried in my mind. When recalling these memories, the emotions associated with them came up clear as day. My therapist and I discussed ways we could detach the emotional responses from the memories by seeing the situation and Taylor from a different perspective.

I am now 27 years old. The most painful memories with them are from when I was around 15 years old. My therapist explained how the emotions that bubble to the surface when I think back on this time are the emotions of a 15-year-old girl, my teenage self. While my emotions were valid, they were influenced by many factors, including the stage of my brain development at the time, hormonal changes from puberty, familial and hierarchical dynamics, and a host of others. Most importantly, I’ve held onto them for all these years but they no longer serve a purpose. Without letting go of those emotions, a part of me will forever remain a 15-year-old girl. 

The 27-year-old that I am now is an adult woman with diverse life experiences and an understanding of her emotions. She has grown, learned, and overcome. Instead of seeing these memories through the lens of that teenage girl, I can try to see them from the perspective of the present-day me.

What was more difficult for me though was trying to see Taylor differently. I consider myself a deeply empathetic person; I can understand why people are the way they are and I easily forgive. But somehow this is more difficult when it comes to Taylor. The thought of trying to understand their actions triggered an automatic urge to reject the idea. I felt that if I tried to understand them, it meant I had to forgive them. In my mind, this would invalidate the emotions they made me feel.

But this actually isn’t the case. Everyone is responsible for their actions. Just because a person has a reason, it doesn’t make their actions right. The power that comes from understanding a narcissist is that when you understand why they act the way they do, they no longer have power over you. You see their actions as driven by their need to feed their ego. Their actions are their attempt to fulfill their own needs, not yours.

When I put my adult self back in those teenage memories, I can almost laugh at how obvious it was that Taylor was just trying to feel good about themself. It was all about them. So instead of focusing on Taylor, I choose to turn to my teenage self, who is feeling defensive, angry, and frustrated. I look at her with a deeper understanding. I want to comfort her and tell her that she is perfect and deeply loved and that Taylor’s words do not negate that fact.

I can’t travel back in time to that moment, but that teenage girl lives inside me, glued to these painful memories. I don’t want her to suffer under the weight of those memories any longer. I choose to stop wasting my energy on the memories of Taylor and instead focus on comforting my 15-year-old self. Comforting her helps her let go.